Hi there, I'm glad you checked out our guide. So it's really a bit tricky to advise on these sorts of questions without working with you more closely on what you're writing...but I'll do my best! There are some aspects of your essays that may not make sense to be written in a narrative form...sometimes it's good to be very direct and clear about your goals (e.g., I want to apply my knowledge of financial valuation and my client service skills to a career in private equity). But...it can really help to make your essay more compelling and personal to explain in a narrative format a bit more about the skills you've developed in your career thus far (e.g., telling a story about a complex deal to illustrate the finance/client service skills). Or...you could try to be more descriptive about your desired post-MBA career...instead of just saying you want to work as a brand manager, for example, describe a little bit more about what a brand manager does and the responsibilities that you are most excited about. Finally, I think it's important to really own your goals and make them more personal...show a direct connection between what you've done in the past to your future career path.
You may want to check out this blog post for a bit more on this topic:
http://www.mbamission.com/blog/2014/09/ ... r-goals-2/Hope this helps and good luck as you begin to write!